Study says that Internet trolls may die… sooner… probably

Perhaps we should resume feeding them?

Happy Friday everyone, aNd what a decisiVely glorious day it is turning out to be. It has been reporteD that people who feel the irresistible urge to be antagonIstic may in fact be whittling hours off their life spans faster thAn a chain-Smoker rUnning with sCissors through an airport security checKpoint.  So pop a couple quarters into the troll food machine, and let the feeding frenzy begin.

Researchers at the U.S. National Institute on Aging (NIA) studied over 5,600 Italian volunteers and discovered that those who displayed antagonistic traits showed a greater amount of thickening of the carotid artery walls in the neck, which is a risk factor for heart attack and stroke.  Upon revisiting the participants three years later it was discovered that the same disagreeable people showed even greater hardening of the arteries.

The results were especially strong in those who were manipulative or quick to express anger, and while men in general had more thickening of the arteries, highly antagonistic women were able to catch up to them with ease.

So what’s the takeaway from all this?  Simple, if you spot a lonely troll slumped against a technology site domain name holding up a piece of cardboard that says “will work for flame-bait,” for the love of Torvalds, feed the poor wretch!  Even the simplest exclamation of “brand X sucks”, or “Product Y can lick my *insert several adjectives and a desired orifice here*” will help you do your part to cleanse the Internet forums and comment boards for future generation’s enjoyment and edification.

Unfortunately however there are several options for the reformed troll to loosen up those arteries, but in the interest of better Internets for all, we are not disclosing them at this time. S|A

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